.When I came home from my classes on the Saturday evening before Valentine's day I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with my master in the sauna. He informed me as I was getting ready that he had a room booked and two men coming to use me with him. One I will recognize from the portal and someone else...At first I didn't want to believe him, then I felt a little sick and then on the way there I fought a continual internal struggle between wanting to serve him and fulfill this fantasy for him and wanting to stand still and just refuse to go there. I know that he has the right to share me with whoever he chooses. I know it but I was still unprepared for it. When we got to the hotel and checked in I knew it was for real. My pulse was racing. In the sauna I tried to relax and remind myself it's his choice and I have deep trust in him and know he will take care of me. We got a drink in the bar and he went outside to smoke. Suddenly I recognized the guy from the portal ordering a. I am not sure if that particular event with all the kids laughing at mefor wanting a bow was the turning point, but I understood very early onthat I could not tell the others that I wanted to be a girl. I tried tobury that part of me, and a decades-long inner conflict began. And theolder I got, the more intense the battle became. To this day, I am notsure what my family knew. Surely they suspected something. Every time Iwas alone I tried on my mother's clothes, jewellery and makeup, andonce there was a big scandal when my mother discovered that her cliponearrings had disappeared. But I felt that I would rather die than allowthe secret to be discovered. I felt ashamed by my "perversion." Why doI have to be like this? Why can not I be like all the other boys? Lifeis so much easier for them! The place and time I was born did not offerany acceptance for trans people. And the hormone therapy was out of thequestion. I think it is still highly problematic in Russia, but it wassimply.
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